Somehow (the Parents) Survived

Using martial arts, advanced breathing techniques, space-age fabric and various electronic apparatus, these kids went 135 minutes without adult supervision.

We did it. The kids were unsupervised by adults for about two hours and 15 minutes. I was the first to return home and was shocked by the absence of smoke streaming from the kitchen, sinks running over, toilets befouled, wild spray paint graffiti, or any new chaos whatsoever (the old chaos was safely intact, however).

Nor were there any stories of how the strange man appeared at the window, and when the kids dutifully ran and got the firearm, the bullet jammed in the chamber (damned automatics).

When I came home the kids were watching a pre-approved program and were in their pajamas with teeth brushed. They didn’t want to go to bed (!), but this, in itself, doesn’t conclude the kids have become irrevocably feral.

To give ourselves the tools to accomplish this feat of survival, we did, however, do some groundwork to minimize the chances of random and complete havoc. Such steps included:

• Flowed some baksheesh to the older one for added “ responsibility”
• Told the younger one we would be back soon
• Fed them hot dogs for dinner
• Had neighbor on standby with SWAT-issued battering ram and four EMTs
• Made an appointment for psychiatric counseling for me and my wife to deal with the emotional stress  

There was the odd prosthetic hook dangling from the front door. I’ll have to ask about that.