Thursday, October 12, 2017

Dad Explains British Heavy Metal To The Kid

Legendary metal maniac Derek Smalls takes it to 11.
I was listening to Judas Priest’s “You’ve Got Another Thing Coming” with the 12-year-old.

He asked me, “Dad, why is it that British metalers rock the hardest?”

Although this is not my belief, I didn’t want to overwhelm the kid with Venn diagrams, data sets and other scientific reports that might be beside the point for one so young.

Instead, I focused on the factors that contributed to the high level of metal excellence exhibited by many loud and heavy bands from the British Isles.

I told him that when kids in the UK are about 10 years of age, they undergo the Motörhead-Battlezone personality test, which is administered by the local municipality. For those who score well, the kids are taken from their homes and ensconced in a decrepit Scottish castle. There they are denied sympathetic human contact for two years and forced to perform exhausting physical labor, usually moving huge rocks for castle repair. They eat nothing but raw haggis and oatmeal, sleeping on straw and wearing homespun woolen tunics.

 After the two-year period, they are given electrified instruments and allowed to socialize with other castles in the area. Each castle has its own traditions of rocking, sort of like the different houses at Hogwarts.

The results are high octane, feverish guitar solos, and violent lyric imagery. Power chords, like claps of thunder, reign down on audiences near and far. Like ravenous animals, these amped up metalers go forth to seek and destroy those who attempt metal with inferior materials and attitudes.

Tomorrow I’ll explain to the lad about Reggae.  


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