High Crimes And Misdemeanors: Pie Mutilation

The charge of high crimes and misdemeanors covers allegations of misconduct peculiar to dessert items, such as cakes, pies, doughnuts, candies – both wrapped and unwrapped.

Also included are:

• Perjury of oath: “I only wanted a sliver”
• Abuse of authority: “I bought the cake, I get to eat all of it”
• Bribery: “Give me a cookie or I won’t love you”
• Intimidation: “Give me a cookie or I won’t love you”
• Misuse of assets: “The money I gave for the school project got spent on what?”  
• Failure to supervise: “I only left the room for a minute”
• Dereliction of duty: “I thought you were watching the kids?”
• Unbecoming conduct: “I thought more would be bought so I ate all of it.”
• Refusal to obey a lawful order: “Order schmorder.”